God knows

Okay, so I still don't have the short blog thing down. But I think I have an answer to the puzzle of who is more disappointed when we sin.

Doing my Bible reading in Luke, I came to chapter 22. The disciples had the last supper with the Lord. It's interesting to put the last supper accounts together to get a bigger picture of the table conversation, especially if you add the verses from John. Then, Satan had previously entered into Judas, and Judas went to the priests. Did Satan also come to the Last Supper inside Judas, like the Greeks at Troy? Odd guest. But I stray, and that's what makes for long blogs.

Anyway, Jesus tells them some important stuff... like when He informs Peter that Satan has requested to sift him like wheat... Scary stuff. Bad temptation coming your way, Peter. Very bad times. And Jesus had spent time praying just for Peter that his faith wouldn't fail. He then instructs Peter that when he "returns" (implying that Peter would turn from Christ), that he should "strengthen his brothers." Peter replies with his good intentions. 'If you get arrested. If you get crucified, Lord, you won't be alone because I'll be right there beside you.'

Jesus replies: "I tell thee, Peter, the cock shall not crow this day, before that thou shalt thrice deny that thou knowest me." That's just a few hours away. I believe Peter had that small voice inside his head saying, 'I don't know about that. I don't think you understand how committed I am.' Commitment is so much easier when you're sitting across the table from Jesus in the upper room.

Then came the small trial in the garden (Can't you just stay awake and pray?). Next came the arrest, when everybody ran away. Bigger test, granted. Wow, missed that part of my good intentions. Then he had the chance to identify with Christ, as he claimed he would, 3 times in the High Priest's hall. Instead, he goes the other way, strongly stating to everybody that he doesn't even know the man.

"And the Lord turned and looked upon Peter. And Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how he had said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice." They locked eyes. Jesus knew. Ouch.
"And Peter went out, and wept bitterly."

Peter thought he was better than that. Granted, he didn't have an indwelling Holy Spirit yet. But he had spent years with Jesus, and Jesus was his best friend and Master. God already knew he would deny. Peter thought he was better than that. And so do I.

A time to gain, a time to lose, and sometimes, a time to gain again

All good gifts come from God. Just because you have them doesn't mean they belong to you, or that you'll keep them. That's Biblical. The gifts may be possessions. A roof over our head. Family. Friends. A job. Toys. Happiness. Health. America is an interesting place where we take things for granted. Really, it is just human nature to receive these gifts and forget the giver.

So, in America, we set aside a day to help us remember the God who has taken notice of us individually, and blessed us with all things. Incredible. He bends down and takes notice of you. And loves you. And blesses you.

Sometimes God removes the gift. Most times that precipitates a time of complaining in me. I can't find a season of complaining in Ecclesiastes. That's not His design. (A time to gain. A time to lose. A time to enjoy. A time to kvetch...) Strangely, I'm finding the losses bringing me to a spirit of thanksgiving this year. I know that spirit is also a blessing. A spirit of thanksgiving brings me joy. Contrast that with the carnal spirit of bitterness that comes so naturally to me.

Bob has lost some earning opportunities this year. But God has so richly blessed us with his job at J&M, and the strength to work. How often have I been bitter over God's blessing? I am so thankful God has provided our family the things we have enjoyed (a house decorated with Christmas lights each year, happy memories, a homeschool haven, and a place to laugh with friends and enjoy celebrations) through the means of this sometimes stressful, greasy, dirty job. Thank you, God. It is a good gift.

We have lost many friends and relatives this season. My kids are all starting to comment that the last pair of socks that Mona gave them are wearing out. I'm so grateful for the friendship and good memories God gave me over so many years through Mona. And Don. And Nancy. And the others. I felt loved and enjoyed laughs. I became wiser and learned how to be a friend. And I lost touch with them often. Didn't go visit as many times as I wish I had. But the minutes spent with each of them were blessed. They were each good gifts. And God didn't owe me anything, but kindly gave me friendship through them. Thank you God.

When we went to Larry's funeral I realized that the last frenzied 20 years were a gift that I was too busy to see. Memories of a season passed... Spankings doled out. One on one time pulling nits from my children's hair, sitting in a steamy bathroom in the middle of the night with a wheezer, date days at Denny's... The tooth fairy, piano recitals, kneeling on the floor to hear each child ask Christ into their heart. "Big time", construction paper gifts and proud graduation days. I reminisced with a friend yesterday, how that I always wanted a career and she always wanted a family. Life went the opposite way, with each of us getting the thing we didn't set our sights on. I discounted the gift God has given me over the past 30 years: my life as God designed it. He kindly (not angrily, as I would have done) turned me around to look backward this year and I saw the incredible beauty of His gift. Season passed. Gift complete. A beautiful generous gift. Thank you, God.

And then, sometimes God gives, takes away, and then re-gifts. Through Facebook I have gotten in touch with precious people who were friends and church family. They moved away. Most of them I knew as young folks, and now I get to enjoy an adult friendship with them. This has been an amazing and unexpected gift. Added bonus... What a joy to meet Kathy and Marla's spouses and kids. This has brought me great joy and blessing. Thank you, God.

Lastly, over the past 3 or 4 years I've been plagued with odd afflictions due to age. The biggest loss was my mind (though, some would argue that my looks took a bigger hit as my mind wasn't that sharp to begin with). By this time I had just come to accept the fact that I can't remember squat and most of the time I'm slightly to moderately confused. You don't realize how rational your mind is until it ceases operation. A few weeks ago I just woke up feeling good. Better than usual. Hmmmm. I was not confused. Able to handle a change in plan, remember how to get home from the dentist, know what freeway I am currently on, plan my day in advance. This is a major gift. I feel like myself again and it makes me so happy. Thank you, God.

Then the cherry on top. I'd also lost my sense of smell and taste. From having no sense of smell, to the variety of phantom smells and tastes I've experienced over the last few years, I'd just accepted the fact that growing old means that things you enjoyed just leave. There will be new things to enjoy in heaven. Some people have real problems... However, unexpectedly, I have the ability to smell flowers, pumpkin pie and BO. I tasted Elisabeth's delicious Thanksgiving turkey this year. These small things make life so pleasant. I'm so grateful.

I walked through a parking lot at a hospital this week. As I passed a lady in the crosswalk, she said, "Smell the roses." When I got to the corner there was a fragrant rose garden. I'd almost forgotten what that pleasure is like. God is so kind.

That's how our God is. He gives. He takes away. But He's all good, all the time. Thank you, God.

The Answer Is Worship

The answer is worship.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZfsxydxEXA

The More I Seek You (by Zach Neese)

The more I seek you
The more I find you
The more I find you
The more I love you

I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heart beat

This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming

Thank you, Jesus.

The puzzle of disappointment

I am creating my own weather today, and I am under it. This makes no scientific sense. I wonder if I disappoint God more than I disappoint myself, since I have an indwelling Holy Spirit and have potential to do so much better. Or do I disappoint God less than I disappoint myself, since I expect myself to do better that He does. He knows my nature better than I do. One way or the other, it's disappointing.

Playing favorites no more.

I started blogging with such enthusiasm last year, electronically trying to fulfill what my social life was lacking. I'm perfectly happy to socialize electronically, which would mean that I AM social. Thank heavens, I was worried. I truly enjoy seeing what is happening in everyone's life. It's those get-togethers that I have a little trouble with. I enjoy reading everyone else's blog to see what's up and pray for you all. But, I'm ashamed to admit it. Facebook has become my favorite child. And that's just wrong. (But I can see your photos on Facebook..)

However, now realizing that my blog doesn't have to be a novel each time, I'll tell about the blessings of my summer.

Blessing: Having all my kids together. When I was younger, I prayed that God would give me a "family" and He has given me abundantly above what I could imagine. (Not just in numbers..) They all love each other as family should. They go out to sibling breakfast on Saturday mornings, which blesses my heart because they love each other and are friends. I'm not ashamed of any of them, or of what they are doing. (I said this because saying "proud" sounds so "motherish" and trite.)

Blessing: Amber Ridley came home with Grace in May, on her way to PNG for a summer mission trip. This lovely young lady blessed us with her sweet loving spirit and sense of humor. She was immediately adopted. It was a huge blessing to pick her up at LAX on her return trip and to visit with her during her 12 hour lay-over. The blessings from her mission trip were just spilling over (she had been awake for a few days running, so she was a bit delirious) and it was a joy to visit with her and hear what our wonderful God is doing in her life and in PNG.

Blessing: My lovely husband gave me a well needed vacation from my mom's shenanigans. He took her to the hospital last spring, when she wouldn't call 911 as I insisted. No she needed me to take her to urgent care or she'd take a taxi. "Fine then. You can take a taxi or call 911, because you need an ambulance and a trip to the ER." I know it sounds cold, but she will never consent to do what I think is best for her, and I won't transport her in my car again if I feel she will probably keel over! Bob couldn't let her take a taxi. Bobs are that way. (This is why I'm amazed that God granted me a lovely family... I'm so undeserving) Well, he spent his night with her in urgent care, and then, as always, after hours of tests and observation, they sent her by ambulance to the ER. After their bonding experience it was like the attachment implied when you feed a stray cat.. You are obligated to keep it up. So he took stuff to her in the hospital. He helped me feed the cats. He brought her home from the convalescent home. He answered all her crazy calls and did all the interacting with her over the summer, giving me a well needed vacation. It is so taxing to argue with her over everything, and to hear how she needs me to be more than I am. Now he's burned out and I'm refreshed, so I'll take the job back. (See Elisabeth's blog...) This was a huge blessing.

Well, I'm going to play at Trinity Lutheran's library now. (Another blessing) So, I will continue blogging my blessings later. In a very small Ben Bailey's words," Our God IS an awesome guy!" God was also good to give us Ben Bailey... another blessing. They're everywhere I look.

And may He bless you with His presence today.

I'm back... I hope. I think it unwise to make such a sweeping announcement without qualification. That just seems to invite trouble. Instead of blogging my own thoughts today, I would like to invite you to read my friend Helen's blog. She was selected by the Susan B. Komen Foundation and UCLA to blog about her breast cancer experience. Her scriptural perspective and deep faith blessed me as I read her blog today, and I think her words would be helpful, no matter what type of difficulty we may be experiencing. Anyway, check out her site. It will be worth your time. Her web address is http://hevans.projectconnectonline.com/. This is her latest post:

Truth must be absolute. To withstand Hitler’s propaganda, my mom understood that truth was not relative; it did not change with people or circumstances. Truth came from a higher source - that is God. Colosians 2:8 tells us “See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ.” Mom saw through Hitler’s deceptive words and chose to obey a higher truth - one based on God’s absolute word. When I received my cancer diagnosis, I too had to focus on truth. I could not be taken captive by my deceptive feelings that wanted to panic - that wanted to blame. Instead, I focused on solid truth found in the Bible. Specifically, I knew that God had numbered my days, and nothing, including cancer, would ever cheat me from one day of my life that God had given me. I also knew that humans live very transitory lives and that every one of us must face death at some point. Are we ready? This is a question that every one of us must answer. We do not need to think this question is relative or unanswerable since God has already given us the truth - In John 14:6, Jesus said, ”I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” God bless you as you seek truth.

Never-ending Humiliation

So, is there a limit to the number of times you can truly humiliate yourself in one month? Is that number 3? I hope so. Sometimes I wonder if I need new meds.

1. There was the humiliating karate test. That was a good one.

2. Then, there was the time at the Mother's Day banquet, a week ago, when I forgot how to end the song. It was the easiest song we had. My mind, when not occupied, apparently defaults to the blank slate we were supposed to be born with. There I was... blank slate. But, unfortunately, my hands kept moving. Making chords. The nice keybordist looked at me like, "And where are you going??" That's when I first realized that I was out of control. Then the singers looked at me as if to say, "Are you two playing the same song?" There was no way to play the same song since I was playing chords in no particular order. Yep. There was terror in their eyes as I drove the Praise Bus off the cliff. That was fun.

3. Then, there was this time, yesterday, when I took J and her friend to see X-men. I went to the ladies' room while they got our seats. I hurried into the theater and for no particular reason, decided not to move J's purse and plop down next to her. It's nice to have a place off the floor to put your purse, so I just dropped my purse in the seat between us along with hers.

Then the previews started. There are some great, action-packed movies coming up. Those of you who go to movies with me know that I give thumbs up or down, and make an announcement at the end of each preview (that looks good... no, not going to see that one). If something looks particularly good, I even pump my arm and say, "Oh, yeah! Definitely."

The movie started. I sprawled out in my seat. Slumped. Legs at different angles. Knocked my drink lid on the floor. Looked around for it. Made comments about being a dork. Made comments at the funny parts of the movie. Generally made comments. I sing in public restrooms. There is no end to my vocalizations. The girls were silent, really intently watching the movie. I sprawled some more. Kind of wallowed.

About half way through the movie, J's friend leaned forward, elbows on knees. I never noticed how masculine Gabriella looks. You know, when we walked in to the theater she had curly hair. Yes, the hair was the real give away. This was definitely A MAN. Then I focus on the person next to me. Nope. It was not my baby. It was someone else's baby... Probably the guy sitting next to her.

Then I began to laugh... quietly. You know how that shakes your seat. It shakes quite a few seats. I envisioned what it would have been like if I had grabbed her purse and plopped down in the seat next to her! More laughter.

Now what was I supposed to do?? Crane my neck and look around for my party? Surely they don't want to own me by now. So, I sat up and tried to behave like a grown-up.

Julie just thought I wanted to let her and G sit by themselves... SO I JOINED A COUPLE ON THEIR DATE????
Yep. That was terrific.
I hope the number is 3.