Monday, February 23, 2009

From the wagon

The good news is that no, I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not looking for rehab. But when someone's on the wagon, what exactly does that mean? Having resolved to try to do what is good, and not do what is bad, I declared myself to be "on the wagon." I almost immediately became overwhelmed with what I shouldn't do (which are the most nagging issues, because procrastination enables you to convince yourself that you actually WILL DO the things that you should do, sometime... soon). I was waiting for the flood of "to do"s to drown me while focusing on the "don'ts" and feeling more and more inadequate. Seems I've been in this spot regularly. Why do I keep getting off the wagon? Where exactly does this wagon go? (to the Loop?)

Yesterday's sermon was on "lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil." Hunh. Familiar, yet new. Don't you love it when that happens. Then Pastor tossed us 1 Cor 13:10 ... Look it up! "but God is faithful"...

Hunh. Great news! I am inadequate. This is not a case of "Jesus, take the wheel!" I don't need a wheel, I need a wagon. I need to be on God's wagon. It has to be God. (I could have had a V8!)

MY wagon won't move unless I'm going downhill (Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!), or unless I'm NOT on the wagon. Pulling, resolved, renewed determination. Now, which way to go? My sense of direction is legendary. (Kathy Porter could tell you... her mother could tell you.. just about everyone I know can tell you.) Conclusion: If I am "on the wagon", that would imply that someone else must pull the wagon. Otherwise, "on" a wagon is a really dumb place to be.

I've been pulling for a long time. Dragging a wagon and periodically getting "on" it. Struggling with the same temptations. I've been here too long. Lead us not into temptation (direction), but deliver us from evil (power- not my own). It's not a matter of resolve or determination- it needs to be God's wagon and He should be the one to pull. But God is faithful. He knows where to lead. He will deliver me. I just need to stay on the wagon. (The fruit of the Spirit comes in here, but in order to stay on the wagon, I'll leave the fruit for later.) It's all God. He will take me. Stay with.

I get a little break from life today. God has given me time to think. To perhaps get His message for me from yesterday and write it down so I can see it in a straight line (kind of). Life will start again at about 3. This will make sense to no one but me anyway. I assaulted Pastor Rich with it yesterday, and I could see that "this makes no sense, but I'm happy for you" look in his gracious eyes.

Great thing that may come from blogging. I can work through what is going on in my head or heart- sort of rearrange the pieces of the puzzle, without subjecting anyone else to it. My poor family may get some relief, and if anyone else gets splatter on them, it's their own fault for not moving on before it got messy.

From The wagon.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

back on the wagon- in the best sense

Well, I'm not off to a very good start. What cotton-headed-ninny-muggins would start a blog and then be totally baffled at how to use it. It appears to be quite user friendly today. We'll see what tomorrow holds. My thanks to Julie.

It seems that I tend to start good things and when adversity comes, I completely fall off the wagon. I am resolving to not be weary in well-doing. I have a promise to keep that I will tackle first. Then each time I start a new eating plan, I get good and sick. But I'm better now, so I will dig back in to Amy's book and not stop. If she can train for a marathon, I can eat asparagus.

And I will continue to blog, because I believe it will give me a sense of accountability and help me to grow. I have enjoyed reading your thoughts. I need to come out of the cave now. God can probably use me in a cave, but I don't think that's his intention... so I will share my ponderings on the blessings of the snail, unexpected gifts, and the Artist's self portrait in the days to come.

It's presently too late at night for any thoughts (as is probably evident). Until later, unless He calls for us tonight.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Wonder of Wonders

Will wonders never cease~
I now realize I have become a dinosaur. Guess what. Folks don't e-mail anymore in order to stay connected... they blog and facebook. Yes, I have resolved to facebook. Is that a verb? If Anita can do it, so can I. She is my inspiration. I'm not sure why anybody would want to know what I think on a regular basis, but after completing so many surveys over the last few years I have gotten used to self-disclosure. I'm not wearing any socks right now. I know that's random. I embarass myself sometimes. Sometimes?! I thank Sissy for letting me have access to her facebook page, where I found a window to the outside world. I thank Gracei for such amazing postings. So, to anyone who might be interested in my limited thoughts and ridiculous ramblings, a great big Hey!