The good news is that no, I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not looking for rehab. But when someone's on the wagon, what exactly does that mean? Having resolved to try to do what is good, and not do what is bad, I declared myself to be "on the wagon." I almost immediately became overwhelmed with what I shouldn't do (which are the most nagging issues, because procrastination enables you to convince yourself that you actually WILL DO the things that you should do, sometime... soon). I was waiting for the flood of "to do"s to drown me while focusing on the "don'ts" and feeling more and more inadequate. Seems I've been in this spot regularly. Why do I keep getting off the wagon? Where exactly does this wagon go? (to the Loop?)
Yesterday's sermon was on "lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil." Hunh. Familiar, yet new. Don't you love it when that happens. Then Pastor tossed us 1 Cor 13:10 ... Look it up! "but God is faithful"...
Hunh. Great news! I am inadequate. This is not a case of "Jesus, take the wheel!" I don't need a wheel, I need a wagon. I need to be on God's wagon. It has to be God. (I could have had a V8!)
MY wagon won't move unless I'm going downhill (Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!), or unless I'm NOT on the wagon. Pulling, resolved, renewed determination. Now, which way to go? My sense of direction is legendary. (Kathy Porter could tell you... her mother could tell you.. just about everyone I know can tell you.) Conclusion: If I am "on the wagon", that would imply that someone else must pull the wagon. Otherwise, "on" a wagon is a really dumb place to be.
I've been pulling for a long time. Dragging a wagon and periodically getting "on" it. Struggling with the same temptations. I've been here too long. Lead us not into temptation (direction), but deliver us from evil (power- not my own). It's not a matter of resolve or determination- it needs to be God's wagon and He should be the one to pull. But God is faithful. He knows where to lead. He will deliver me. I just need to stay on the wagon. (The fruit of the Spirit comes in here, but in order to stay on the wagon, I'll leave the fruit for later.) It's all God. He will take me. Stay with.
I get a little break from life today. God has given me time to think. To perhaps get His message for me from yesterday and write it down so I can see it in a straight line (kind of). Life will start again at about 3. This will make sense to no one but me anyway. I assaulted Pastor Rich with it yesterday, and I could see that "this makes no sense, but I'm happy for you" look in his gracious eyes.
Great thing that may come from blogging. I can work through what is going on in my head or heart- sort of rearrange the pieces of the puzzle, without subjecting anyone else to it. My poor family may get some relief, and if anyone else gets splatter on them, it's their own fault for not moving on before it got messy.
From The wagon.
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Ah Mummy...I can hear your cute little voice talking to yourself as you climb down off the wagon. The voice you use when you mess with the sound system! It put a funny little picture in my head. But seriously, it's always neat to remember that we don't HAVE to pull the wagon...just let God lead where He wants. What a relief to know it doesn't rest on me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)
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